Dominos, T-Shirts, Tunnels, & ‘Holding Space’
What does it mean to hold space?
Space itself is endless. It accepts everything without discernment within the contents of its container.
Holding space is about being in the space.
To hold space is to be physically, mentally, and emotionally present - to put your focus onto an individual to support them as they explore their thoughts and feel their feelings - without judgment or expectation.
So what are you doing when you’re ‘holding space?” Pure acceptance - of yourself, of the person (s) in front of you, of the moment - with genuine curiosity and kindness.
The truth is that you’re not actually holding anything.
The person holding space is the container, creating a physical and emotional environment that allows someone the permission to be vulnerable. It is a time to safely express and process both positive and negative emotions. To sit with someone in loving support can allow some to feel seen and heard - to feel less alone.
You don’t need a degree or to stand in front of a yoga class to hold space. We do this for people in our lives all the time.
When your daughter comes home from school and you listen to her when she vents about her day, that’s holding space.
When a friend calls you to talk about conflict in her relationship or with her job, that’s holding space.
When you share your self-doubts and anxieties with a partner, that’s them holding space for you.
Holding space is about having compassion and empathy for the person(s) in front of you, and meeting them where they are.
Can you hold space for yourself?
As an innate caregiver and healthcare professional, holding space for others comes naturally. There are times where I seem to have endless compassion for others and am a walking container of space for those around me. Yet when it comes to processing my own thoughts and emotions, well let’s just say the compassion container explodes - it’s an entirely different narrative, filled with judgment and criticism, when it comes to turning inwards
How can someone have the same love and acceptance that one has for others for yourself. Do you need someone else to hold space? Can you create your own space for healing?
Yes.
You can hold space for yourself. When you’re going through a painful experience (big or small) you can hold space for yourself if you can treat yourself with the same compassion you have for others.
Here’s the thing though - we cannot simultaneously ignore our pain and have self-compassion.
This is a balancing act that many (including myself) attempt and ultimately fail. Rather than shoving pain and negative emotions away as we would stow away a t-shirt in an overstuffed drawer, we have to be able to sit with them and let them unfold - to let the stress response run its course.
Stress, and the emotions that come with stress, exist in cycles. Just like any cycle, these response cycles are circular, they have a beginning, middle, and end.
We have to be able to allow ourselves to get to the end of the cycle. Author of the book Burnout, Emily Negroski, refers to the response as a tunnel. Without self-compassion, we often get stuck in the tunnel, which over time can lead to chronic stress, burnout, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness. We can recruit assistance. I fully believe in having a trustworthy health and wellness team. However, I also believe that we are our own best healers when trained to be, and can find our own way through and out of the tunnel. How?
Let the dominos fall for fucks sake.
Even if it’s messy, even if it’s hard. Let them fall. Feel the feelings. Think the thoughts. Observe them with the same empathy and support you would for someone else. Listen and care for yourself like you would with a loved one. When you get to the end of the line and there are no more dominos left standing, you’ll be left with so much more space than where you began.
It’s taken me time to realize that I can be my own sounding board - that I am safe in my own body. It’s not perfect by any means. It’s a process. I’ve realized that by allowing myself space and energy to be with myself, I have so much more to give to others and experience less burnout.
Holding space as a whole is challenging. Holding space for yourself is a lifelong practice requiring the art of quieting the over-identifying stories we all tell ourselves and being able to exercise self-compassion in times of pain and failure.
The outcome of practicing self-compassion: the more you are able to hold space for yourself, the more you can hold space for others.
And there lies another beautiful domino effect - holding space for ourselves, spreading that space to others, who can then do the same.
What’s magical about holding space is that it doesn’t just benefit one - it benefits all.
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