From Hell No to the Big O: Return to S.E.X. After Baby
Returning to sex after baby can be intimidating. Typically at your 6-8 week check-up appointment with your OB/GYN you’ll get cleared to resume physical and sexual activity. If you’re feeling good to go, fantastic! But if you’re wishing the doctor would recommend waiting another 6-8 weeks, that’s completely okay too. You may feel like your nether regions are closed for business. If this is you, you are not alone.
Almost 90% of women report sexual problems in their first year postpartum. That decreases to 40% at 18 months after baby.
Sexual dysfunction is very common postpartum and can include a wide range of complaints
pain with intercourse
low libido
inability to orgasm
general pelvic pain
vaginal dryness.
These symptoms can be from a variety of underlying causes such as
scar tissue
hormonal restrictions
pelvic floor muscle dysfunction
physical, emotional, and/or mental exhaustion
PTSD from a traumatic birth
Sexual arousal and pleasure is about blood flow and being able to be present and embodied. If you’re lacking blood flow due to scar tissue or muscular restrictions, it can effect your sexy time. On the same note, if you’re feeling anxious, exhausted, or uncomfortable, getting in the mood will be tough.
With that in mind, I’ve compiled some sensual tips to connect with yourself and your partner to help you ‘get busy’ post baby.
1. Communication is Key
Clear communication with you partner is so important. If you’re already feeling uncomfortable with your pelvis and don’t feel like you have a safe space to communicate with your partner, your first time having sex after baby can be that much more stressful. Be open when something doesn’t feel right or a position isn’t working for you. Share your fears, concerns, doubts, and how things feel throughout the process.
2. Manage Your Scar
There may be some discomfort the first time, especially if you’ve had a tear or episiotomy. Scar tissue development is a normal part of the healing process, but sometimes that scar can be uncomfortable with friction or movement (especially around the vaginal opening). If that resonates with you, reaching out to a pelvic floor therapist to learn how to manage your scar tissue and retrain your pelvic floor muscles will help you to more comfortably receive penetration.
C-section scar tissue can also play a role in sexual function. Your scar can restrict blood flow to your genitalia. Decreased blood flow can limit pleasure during sex.
3. Personal Lubricant is Your Friend
Even if you never needed lubricant before, it’s the most simple way to increase comfort during those first few times in the sack. If breastfeeding, your hormones are likely to be a major culprit of dryness. Low estrogen levels from postpartum period and breastfeeding are correlated with vaginal dryness, tightness, and tenderness.
So don’t be bashful, grab some personal lubricant. See my Lube Guide for more details. On a side note, always use protection if you’re not trying for your next baby. If using a condom, its best to use a water or silicon-based lubricant.
4. Get Reacquainted with Yourself
What felt good before baby may not do it for you anymore. You’ve undergone a powerful transformation, and you’re navigating a new landscape (both in and out of the bedroom). You may not know what feels good—and if you don’t know, your partner is quite literally searching in a dark tunnel.
I frequently recommend to my clients to explore her body on her own before sex with her partner. This puts you into the drivers seat of your own sexuality—the location, intensity, and duration is in your hands. Your partner wants to please you, but may need a little help. So get a sense of what sensations feel good so that you can show your partner.
5. Pleasure Over Penetration
Intimacy comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. It can be easy to get stuck on one perception of what sex is. However, depending on your experience, this after baby period may be an opportunity to enjoy multiple aspects of intimacy that maybe you’ve never tried.
Penetrative-Based Sex Versus Pleasure-Based Sex
Penetrative-based sex is revolved around a penis or dildo as the main act. It’s orgasm or ejaculation-centered, often ending with male ejaculation (in a heteronormative relationship). It often includes rigid expectations of partners or your own body, and it may feel like you’re following a routine or a script.
Pleasure-based sex focuses on the physical sensation and may include multiple activities. An orgasm is a bonus, but not required. There are no expectations from any persons body (erections, wetness, body type, etc), and it may include use of all body parts and accessories. It may look different each time or include regular pleasurable activities.
Being intimate with your partner doesn’t have to start or end with penetrative sex.
It can! But it certainly doesn’t have to!
By letting go of conventional expectations and routines, you can open yourself up to simply enjoying the physical sensation of touch, whether it be from you, your partner, or an accessory. Maybe it’s as simple as a massage or a warm embrace, and maybe it’s something a little spicier. Ultimately, you and your partner get to decide. Isn’t that kind of sexy?
If you feel like returning to sex is too much right now, that you went through a trauma, do not push yourself. Seek out help. It’s okay to talk to someone about your experience in order to heal. It’s also ok to see a pelvic floor therapist. Painful sex is common, but not normal. Sometimes a little help is just what you need to feel comfortable and ready to return to a satisfying sex life.