pain with S.e.X. : what to say, positions, and tools to try
I hate to start a sexy note with a disclaimer, but I feel like it’s important to share: “pushing through” or “dealing with” vulvar or pelvic pain to have sex is not a good idea. When you do that, it fuels a chronic pain feedback loop in your brain that stimulates pain signals even when there is no injury present. It also associates sex with pain and discomfort, which can impact desire and arousal. If sex is painful, it’s best to work with a pelvic floor therapist who can help treat your pain and support you in re-introducing penetrative sex at the right time.
This month’s love note is all about S.E.X. We’re covering 3 ways to help communicate with your partner when it comes to pain with sex, positioning options that support slow gentle insertion, and my top sexy toolkit items.
It’s hard to know what to say in the moment! 3 ways to help communicate with your partner when you’re experiencing pain with sex
“Let’s pause here for a minute”
“Let’s start with ___. That always feels good for me”
“This isn’t feeling right, let’s try ___” (add cushion under hips or a different position, pillow between knees)
Positions to Try if Sex Hurts
The positions below can be helpful to add to your sexual repetoire because
They take pressure off of the vulvar and vaginal tissues during initial insertion
Many provide the option for anal stimulation or penetration, if that’s on your menu
Make it easier to reach clitoris and breasts, which encourages non-penetrative pleasure
Positions for Ease of Entry
Partner seated + you’re standing facing away
Either straddle partner’s legs or stand between them. For more control lean forward and rest arms onto chair or table.
You’re on top + partner is laying down or seated
Sit facing your partner with legs over partner’s, then reach with one or both arms behind you for support. This is a great position for clitoral stimulation, anal penetration/stimulation, use external vibration, kissing, and caressing. Use free hand(s) to stimulate breasts, scrotum, or clitoris
Positions for Pain with Deeper Penetration
Spooning + optional leg support
You lie on your side with partner behind you. Allows for shallow penetration and sense of closeness/intimacy to cuddle or caress.
Modified doggie style
Receiving partner lays on their stomach with a pillow under their pelvis. This position offers flexibility into the angle and depth of penetration.
Modified missionary
Pillow under thighs helps to decrease depth of penetration. Can do this with receiving partner on top or receiving partner on the bottom. This position offers lots of eye contact, kissing, and physical touch. Partner at bottom
Sexy Toolbox
Vaginal dilators for before penetration
Oh nut - a tool to help decrease depth of penetration
External vibrator - Good Vibrations, Smitten Kitten, and Babeland are all great resources to help choose what’s best for you
Lube - see article on all things lube + recommendations
CBD options - CBDLove & Foria are great
It’s important to remember that every person is different! What works for some doesn’t work for everyone. Communicate with your partner, try out different positions to see what may work best for you, and reach out to a pelvic floor therapist to address the root causes of pain with sex. With patience and experimentation, you and your partner can have that steamy sex that is both comfortable and enjoyable.
Questions? I’m here!
Love + Strength,
Dana